A field guide to ethical non-monogamy
You didn't run out of love.
You ran out of language.
Open structures. Clear agreements. Calmer jealousy.
A 34-page working kit for people opening a relationship, dating openly, or supporting a partner who is. Nine structures compared side by side. An eight-domain agreement worksheet you both fill in separately. A repeatable protocol for the night your stomach drops — and twelve scripts for the conversations nobody knows how to start.
The actual problem
Almost nobody fails at this because they loved each other too little.
They fail because two people used the same eight words to mean fourteen different things, and nobody wrote any of it down.
"We agreed to be open. I have no idea what we actually agreed to, and I'm scared to ask in case the answer is worse than not knowing."
"I said yes because saying no felt like ending it. Three months later I don't know how to say I'm drowning."
"It's 11:40pm, she's still out, and I've drafted four messages I know I shouldn't send."
What this is
A working document, not a manifesto.
Nobody needs another essay arguing that non-monogamy is valid. This kit assumes you have already decided to explore — or that someone you love has — and that what you need now is structure. Vocabulary that means the same thing to both of you. Agreements that survive contact with real life. And a reliable, repeatable way to handle jealousy that doesn't depend on being calm at the exact moment you are least calm.
Designed to be written in
Every worksheet is a real worksheet. Print it, fill it, argue with it, date it, and revisit it next quarter.
No judgement in either direction
It doesn't sell you polyamory and it doesn't pathologise monogamy. It also tells you plainly when what you are in isn't ethical non-monogamy at all.
Zero explicit content
This is about structure, consent and emotional regulation. You can read it on a train.
Inside the 34 pages
Four parts. Each one useless without the one before it.
The Map
Stop arguing about definitions. Get a shared vocabulary and see every workable shape side by side before you commit to one.
- The three load-bearing conditions of ethical non-monogamy
- A 16-term glossary you both agree on first
- Nine structures compared: core idea, best fit, failure mode
- The two dials that cause almost every argument
- A 12-question self-audit with a scoring key
- Cheating vs coerced openness vs ENM, clearly separated
The Agreements
The difference between a boundary, a rule and an agreement — and how to turn the restrictions you're tempted to impose into something that actually holds.
- A rule-to-agreement translation table
- The eight domains every agreement set must cover
- The Agreement Canvas: a two-page fill-in worksheet
- The weekly time grid for protected vs flexible time
- A complete safer-sex agreement with write-in space
- Six popular agreements that quietly fail, and what to use instead
Jealousy
The part everyone buys this for. Jealousy treated as an alarm with a decodable message, not a verdict on your relationship or your character.
- The three-layer model: sensation, story, demand
- The Jealousy Decoder: eight thoughts, translated
- The NAMED Protocol — five steps, in order, every time
- A fill-in NAMED worksheet to find your pattern
- A do / don't page for the 11:40pm moment
- The compersion ladder, and why neutrality is the real goal
The Operating Rhythm
Structures don't fail on the big nights. They fail in the eleven quiet weeks when nobody bothered to ask how it was going.
- Four check-in cadences and a timeboxed monthly agenda
- Twelve word-for-word scripts for the hardest conversations
- Ten red flags: coercion wearing ENM's clothing
- De-escalation and endings: six things to settle explicitly
- A 30-day starter plan that involves meeting nobody new
- A short, honest reading list
The three tools people actually use
Not theory. Pages you will physically return to.
Pages 8–9
The Structure Map
Nine ways to do this — open relationship, hierarchical and non-hierarchical polyamory, solo poly, relationship anarchy, polyfidelity, swinging, monogamish, don't-ask-don't-tell — each with its core idea, where it genuinely works, and the exact way it breaks.
Pick the terms first and the label last. Picking the word first tends to import somebody else's rules.
Pages 15–16
The Agreement Canvas
Eight domains, prompt questions for each, and space to write. You both fill it in separately and then compare. The gaps between your two sheets are the entire conversation — and finding them on paper costs far less than finding them on a Friday night.
An agreement you can't repeat from memory a month later isn't an agreement. It's a mood you were both in once.
Pages 22–24
The Jealousy Decoder & the NAMED Protocol
Find the thought closest to yours, read across, and say the fourth column out loud. Then run NAMED — Notice, Ask, Map, Express, Decide — five steps in a fixed order, because most of the damage is done by people who start at the last one.
"Reassure me" is not a request. It's a mood with a question mark.
See inside
Every page is designed, not dumped.
Typeset in Lora and Poppins, printed A4, with worksheets sized for a real pen.
Honest fit
Who this is for — and who it isn't.
Buy it if
- You're opening a long-term relationship and want to do it carefully
- You're already non-monogamous and the agreements have gone vague
- Your partner raised it and you need your own opinion before you answer
- Jealousy keeps winning and willpower clearly isn't the fix
- You're dating multiple people and want to be honest about the ceiling
- You want worksheets, not another 300-page book you'll never finish
Skip it if
- You want ammunition to convince a reluctant partner
- You're looking for erotica, hookup tactics, or app strategy
- You want someone to tell you polyamory is objectively better
- You need therapy for something already broken — this isn't that
- Saying no in your relationship is unsafe; the guide says so itself, on page 31
The Polyamory Playbook
Everything, in one PDF.
- The full 34-page Playbook, print-ready A4 PDF
- The Structure Map — nine models compared
- The Agreement Canvas — 8-domain fill-in worksheet
- The Jealousy Decoder + the NAMED Protocol and worksheet
- Twelve word-for-word conversation scripts
- Check-in cadences and a timeboxed monthly agenda
- Coercion red-flag checklist and an endings framework
- A 30-day starter plan
- Instant download — yours to keep, re-read and reprint
Read it. Fill in one worksheet. If it hasn't earned its price within 14 days, email us and we'll refund it — keep the file.
Questions
Before you buy
What exactly do I get, and how?
A 34-page PDF, delivered by download link the moment you check out and emailed to you as well. It reads well on a phone, and it's laid out at true A4 so the worksheets print properly.
Is this for couples opening up, or people already poly?
Both. Part 01 and Part 02 are written for people at the start. Part 03 and Part 04 are the parts experienced non-monogamous people tend to say they wish they'd had in year one.
Does my partner have to read it too?
It works better if they do — several worksheets are designed to be filled in separately and compared. But it's genuinely useful solo, especially the jealousy section and the self-audit.
Is there explicit content?
None. It covers safer-sex agreements in practical, clinical terms because that conversation matters, but there is nothing graphic anywhere in it.
Is it going to push polyamory on me?
No. It assumes you've already decided to explore, and it spends a full page on identifying coercion dressed up in open-relationship vocabulary — including the version where you're the one applying the pressure.
Can I print it?
Yes, and you should. It's designed A4 with real margins and worksheets sized for handwriting. Print just the worksheet pages if you'd rather not print all 34.
Is this therapy or professional advice?
No. It's educational material about relationship structures and emotional regulation. It says so plainly on page two, and it tells you when to talk to a professional instead.
What if it isn't right for me?
Email within 14 days and you'll get a full refund. We won't ask you to prove anything.
Go slowly, write things down, and be boring about logistics.
Almost everything that goes wrong here goes wrong because somebody moved faster than the slowest person could metabolise. This is the kit that slows it down.
The Polyamory Playbook is educational material — not therapy, medical advice or legal advice. If your situation involves fear, coercion or control, please speak to a qualified professional. Digital product; refunds within 14 days on request.